Langsung ke konten utama

my confession

back to the year of 2017-2018, the worst years ever in my life when i did so many unexpected bad things and some negative emotions during that time. That was my lowest point which i never imagined would happen.

It is really true what people have said, that life is like a roller coaster. Sometimes you are in the top, and then you go downward and back again to the top. life is pretty much a crap shot. endless roller coaster of pleasure and suffering. wondering why pleasure taught me nothing but craving for more pleasure. suffering on the other hand, drown me into deep stress that i cant cope with.

and because of this, i am too familiar with depression, sadness, guiltiness and self-isolation. these things just make it worse. I started to not knowing my self-concept. what was i trying to look for? i've lost my self. and no one noticed my broken soul.

i keep going because i have to. i choose to be okay because i have no choice. No matter how bad i felt, i have to suit up and show up for life even if i have to fake it. most people dont care about my problems. some friends in fact are happy when knowing we are in trouble. thats why i often talk and have a conversation with my other self inside me. like i have two or three different personality chatting inside my brain. i go over this fucking shits all the time.

i have to play all of my role wisely like an actress. i have two daughters who need their lovable mature mom to look after them, i have my mom and dad who expect their cheerful daughter is always OK, i have my friends who think i am too cool to be hang out with and mrs LOL (fake laugh, most of the time!) and when i backed home after LOL time, i cried again even louder. So i wear different fucking masks everyday.

it took an act of God who had helped me. as always. Allah SWT helps me out of such ruts. i started avoiding them. eventually i tried to believe in my self and keep convincing that i can be happy within my self and not being influenced by other things out of me which i can not control.

now i spend less time on social media for a while, and giving my self more time for contemplating. reading many books and praying are another healing therapy. i was an ambitious girl since a teenager and now it even gets doubled as i set a very high goal for my life. my ambition is not of money, but more for a self-actualization. This is also a way to heal my "mental illness" (figured it out since i googled that all the symptoms i had was pointing out to it)

*sentul 2.30 AM






Komentar

Posting Komentar

Postingan populer dari blog ini

la pont des arts dan kisah kita..

Paris, 23 April 2012. aku merapatkan coatku yang tebal dan berusaha menghalau dingin dengan mengepalkan tangan. saat ini minus 5 derajat. aku pernah mengalami yang lebih dingin, 18 derajat. tapi entah kenapa.. dingin kali ini terasa amat sangat menusuk.. dingin yang membuat raga dan jiwaku bergetar. La pont des art. 10 februari 2010. jam 2 siang. winter 18 derajat. aku tergesa menuju ujung jembatan ini, untuk menemui seseorang. ia telah satu jam menungguku, akibat ditutupnya jalur 6 metro selama 30 menit yang membuat aku panik luar biasa. aku tak terbiasa tidak menepati janji. apalagi dengan dia. ya dia yang selama 2 bulan telah mengisi hariku, walau hanya lewat chatting di ym. Namun sudah membuatku begitu nyaman dan selalu menanti waktu-waktu private kami berdua ngobrol berjam-jam lwat dunia maya. ia bukan sosok yang baru bagiku. ia adalah teman baikku yang bahkan dulu tak pernah kugubris perhatiannya. kini aku mengerti, jatuh cinta...
Posting Komentar
Baca selengkapnya

akupuntur

hai hai.... sebelum mulai menulis my europe diary... intermezzo dulu yaa curhatan hari ini.. hihi dua bulan belakangan ini aku sedang terobsesi untuk menguruskan badan. yaaa semua orang mendelik sinis begitu tahu aku lagi program diet... A :  what ki?? lo mau kurus apa lagi?? B :  lo udah langsing gitu kok... C :  ciee kenapa nih kok pengen banget kuruss... D :  terlalu kurus juga ga bagus tauuuk E :   badan kamu udah bagus gitu.. montok daripada kurus kaya kurang gizi. of course the last comment surely come from my mom.. -___- (standar body jaman dulu ---> montok is beautiful) tapi aku tetap ingin losing my weight. semua orang boleh komen tapi yang merasakan tubuhku ya aku sendiri. aku yang mengerti betapa tersiksanya.. - setiap membeli jeans harus mencari ukuran 32 ( i was 27 before...hmmm 10 yrs ago ;p), - membeli baju atasan selalu kesempitan dibagian dada dan lengan - memakai tank top not look good ka...
1 komentar
Baca selengkapnya

ramadhan 2015

what happened with me over the past 2 years... entah yaa setelah berapa taun terakhir gak pernah posting apapun diblog gw yang malang ini, tetibanya gw jd pengen buka lappy dan nulis diblog. tetibanya jd kepengen curcol panjang lebar walau belom tau akan mulai dari mana. too many things had happened! hari ini adalah hari ke-4 puasa dibln ramadhan. dr awal gw udah pasang target harus minimal khatam qur'an 1 kali, sukur2 bisa 2x. tpi realistis aja deh yaaaa... mengaji itu harus dr hati. kalo lg gak mood, mau dipaksa kaya apapun ngajinya jd gak enak dan baca 1 halaman berasa lamaaaa bgt! udah 5 bulanan ikut ODOJ, program one day one juz. alhamdulillah sih lancar ajaa, tp ada saat dimana betul2 lg down dan gak ada feel utk ngaji. jd record terlama gw gak setoran pernah 5 hari (diluar period time yaa) tapi ketika moodnya enak, kadang bisa 2 juz sehari, dan ngaji jd terasa ringaaan, syahdu dan pengen lama2, sering jg sambil nangis. itu mungkin yg disebut nikmatnya iman yaa :) andaika...
Posting Komentar
Baca selengkapnya