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my confession

back to the year of 2017-2018, the worst years ever in my life when i did so many unexpected bad things and some negative emotions during that time. That was my lowest point which i never imagined would happen.

It is really true what people have said, that life is like a roller coaster. Sometimes you are in the top, and then you go downward and back again to the top. life is pretty much a crap shot. endless roller coaster of pleasure and suffering. wondering why pleasure taught me nothing but craving for more pleasure. suffering on the other hand, drown me into deep stress that i cant cope with.

and because of this, i am too familiar with depression, sadness, guiltiness and self-isolation. these things just make it worse. I started to not knowing my self-concept. what was i trying to look for? i've lost my self. and no one noticed my broken soul.

i keep going because i have to. i choose to be okay because i have no choice. No matter how bad i felt, i have to suit up and show up for life even if i have to fake it. most people dont care about my problems. some friends in fact are happy when knowing we are in trouble. thats why i often talk and have a conversation with my other self inside me. like i have two or three different personality chatting inside my brain. i go over this fucking shits all the time.

i have to play all of my role wisely like an actress. i have two daughters who need their lovable mature mom to look after them, i have my mom and dad who expect their cheerful daughter is always OK, i have my friends who think i am too cool to be hang out with and mrs LOL (fake laugh, most of the time!) and when i backed home after LOL time, i cried again even louder. So i wear different fucking masks everyday.

it took an act of God who had helped me. as always. Allah SWT helps me out of such ruts. i started avoiding them. eventually i tried to believe in my self and keep convincing that i can be happy within my self and not being influenced by other things out of me which i can not control.

now i spend less time on social media for a while, and giving my self more time for contemplating. reading many books and praying are another healing therapy. i was an ambitious girl since a teenager and now it even gets doubled as i set a very high goal for my life. my ambition is not of money, but more for a self-actualization. This is also a way to heal my "mental illness" (figured it out since i googled that all the symptoms i had was pointing out to it)

*sentul 2.30 AM






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